Suit Yourself!
by mabel-but-slytherin
Summary: Grunkle Stan has to get his suits from somewhere! Upon discovering that Stan steals all of his suits from the same poor rich guy, Mabel swears she'll make the latest stolen suit his own. Phantomfalls ensues.


**Inspiration comes from a post by astrophantomplanet on tumblr regarding the similarities between Vlad and Stan's suits. Also thanks to sapphireswimming for pointing the post out to me!**

 **Hope you enjoy the crack ahead! It's in my opinion my hardest attempt at copying the tone of both shows rather than that of the fandoms. Also note that this takes place before Not What He Seems and before Season 3 of Danny Phantom.**

* * *

Dipper and Mabel Pines had come to expect that every day in Gravity Falls was going to be abnormal. They just weren't prepared for their weird great uncle to be _this_ weird this early in the morning.

"Doo do doo, Getting ready to open up the Mystery Shack. Doo do doo, To con those stupid tourists out of all their money." Grunkle Stan was humming and singing to himself under his breath as he flipped the Stancakes he was making on the stove.

Dipper sent a curious and slightly terrified glance back Mabel's way, his concern for his Grunkle heightening as he picked out the melody of that silly Stan Wrong Song Mabel made him sing woven in with the bad attempt at music coming from his guardian.

"Grunkle Stan, what are you doing?" Dipper asked, but his great uncle just seemed to ignore him (again), as he put breakfast out on the table.

Mabel wasn't awake enough to recognize the situation until Stan slid her glittery Stancake onto her plate, but immediately perked up and burst into one of her trademark energetic smiles. "Grunkle Stan, are you _singing?_ Is something special happening today? Is it a holiday? Is today Hanukkah?"

Stan cringed as his young niece poured even more sprinkles onto her breakfast and dove in to the rainbow feast, "Yeesh. And nah, kid, that's December. Today's just the day your Grunkle Stan got a new suit!"

* * *

The girl's eyes widened as she took in the opportunity to talk fashion with her Grunkle, only to quickly die down as she took in the sight and realized that Stan was wearing a suit jacket completely identical to every other suit she had ever seen the man wear. Her chance to dress her family up properly had passed by before she was even aware of it.

"Grunkle Stan, that suit's just as old and ratty as all of your other suits." And there came Dipper, always the first to point out something to pop everyone's bubble. "I mean, it already has what looks to be a ... moldy cheese stain?... and everything!"

"Geez, kid, do you always have to be such downer?" Grunkle Stan's eyes followed where his prepubescent nephew was pointing, rolling his eyes along the way as he saw only immaculate, if slightly worn from the difficult getaway last night, clothing. "Besides, I just got this baby last night, there's no way it already had a... HOT BELGIAN STANCAKES THIS THING'S ALREADY STAINED!"

Sure enough, right on the lap, just above where an immaculate gentleman would drape his napkin (leaving it in quite the uncomfortable position given the slight yellow tinge to the mark), was a sizable white dot with small patches of green that could only come from the finest, stinkiest cheese.

"MASTERS!" Shaking his fist in the air, Stan swore he would have vengeance.

"Who's Masters?" Mabel asked with her fork halfway to her mouth, her face in the small innocent pout she maintained no matter how inappropriately frustrated Grunkle Stan got.

"Ehh, just the snobby old rich guy I steal all of my suits from. The guy has the best combo: good style and bad security. And I respect that, by breaking into his house on a semi-regular basis.

"But I expected better than this! Vladdie's supposed to be the creme de la cream or whatever that rich people slang is, not the cheese of the crop who gets perfectly bad cheese all over a perfectly good suit!"

But Dipper was already off in his own little mystery world, "Vladdie... Masters... wait, you don't mean that the guy you stole this suit from is _the_ Vlad Masters, like the eighth richest man in the world!"

"Yeah, that guy. Money McStainedPants."

Dipper's shocked face widened into a look of horror. "But Grunkle Stan, you don't understand! Vlad Masters has more mysterious conspiracies surrounding him than any other person in the world! No one knows how he made his first million, and everyone who's ever crossed him just mysteriously disappears! I read about him all over the internet back home and even did my school project on him!"

Mabel snickered. "Even the teacher called you a nerd."

"Just because I care about the subject doesn't mean that the teacher can impose a 50 page limit _after_ the assignment is due."

"Pfft. The homework was 'write a paragraph about someone you look up to.'"

"Just because the man's an elusive high-functioning sociopath doesn't mean I can't write about one of the 'Most Successful Men on Earth' for my report! And I've told you a dozen times _there are grammatically correct ways to tie together multiple trains of thought into a single paragraph!_ "

Stan leaned over the back of an empty chair as he reveled in his children's mockery. "So the man's incredibly rich, greedy, and hated by the masses but grudgingly respected because he's rich. I can look up to that. Still gonna rob him blind tonight while he's sleeping."

Mabel turned. "But Grunkle Stan, you're missing the entire point! Are you saying you steal all of the suits you wear while running the Shack?"

Stan paused in thought. "Yeah. High quality _con-_ business attire doesn't come cheap."

"So you're saying you've _never_ owned a suit of your own?" Her eyes widened with pooled tears at the horrifying thought.

"Ehh, they're mine once I take them, but I guess not."

Mabel's eyes glistened -with either cartoonish tears or stray glitter, it was always hard to tell with her. "Oh Grunkle Stan, you poor thing! Suits aren't meant to be stolen, they're meant to be made! With LOVE! You wait just one second! I'm gonna go grab my knitting needles!"

Stan reached his arm out over the table and grabbed his hyperactive niece by the collar before she could run away. Dangling her in the air (as her choking breath faintly cried "betrayed by my own sweater!") her guardian sighed.

"Look kid, you know I love it when you make me clothing. Hell, I wear that fuzzy... hairy" he cringed, "... Grunkle sweater you made me all the time!" He shot a glare at Dipper as the young boy snickered at the lie, but seeing that Mabel was already calming down the men silenty agreed to a truce to keep her happy. "But while sweaters are one thing, suits are an entirely different ballpark. They're the hallmark of a man, they have to have a certain level of fineness and pizzazz in order to help a guy like me run a Mystery Shack like this, and yarn just doesn't cut it, kid. Maybe if we had silk or something nice and high quality to make it, but that stuff's expensive, and you're not quite old enough to go on one of your Grunkle's supply runs yet."

He set Mabel down, and ran his hand through his hair as his niece just stared silently at the floor. Kneeling down with his hand on her shoulder, he coughed before comforting her, "I appreciate the gesture, but for now we're just going to have to work with what we have."

Grunkle Stan smiled with affection for his niece as she looked him in the eye and walked into his arms for a hug. "Work with what we have... Grunkle Stan you're a genius!" Ripping his suit jacket right off of him (somehow without breaking their hug), Mabel ran up the stairs to the attic before her guardian could stop her. "You wait right there Grunkle Stan! You'll have the bestest, most personalized suit ever before you know it!"

Stan stood as he looked after her, turning to see Dipper's apologetic expression before running another hand through his thinning hair. "Kid's certainly got a personality. Wait... Hey! I need that to run the Shack today!"

"The stain's even more obvious without the jacket." Dipper noted as he put his and Mabel's plate in the sink before passing his Grunkle and going back up the stairs to get ready for whatever adventure was to come. Stan looked down at his pants to see them crowned with its moldy cheesy glory.

"KIDS!"

* * *

Later that night, Stanford Pines had all too easy a time sneaking into Vlad Masters's mansion. But little did he know that the only reason there was no angry owner waiting for him as he had feared (he had never been dumb enough to break in to his house two nights in a row, but desperate times called for desperate measures), was because said owner was currently returning the favor.

Vlad Plasmius smirked to himself as he phased through the walls of the so-called Mystery Shack. A quick invisible patrol revealed that the only people present in the house were two sleeping children.

Pity, he was looking forward to overshadowing the thief to teach him never to steal from Vladimir Masters again, but they obviously couldn't have done it. The girl was immediately out, and young boy was far too small and noodley to fit into any of his suits.

Passing unnoticed into the closet of the master bedroom, Plasmius all too easily found what he was looking for. The suit was hanging in the center of the closet, everything else shoved away as if it was a prized possession (which, given the quality of the wearable balls of yarn that surrounded it, Vlad would've been offended otherwise).

He brought his hands together in one of his favorite gestures, the steepling fingers making a triangle in what Daniel called his 'evil plotting pose'. Not that much strategy was needed here, even the D-student Daniel is now could have pulled this off.

"You made it far too easy this time, Pines."

He floated away and had been back in Wisconsin for hours before any of the house's occupants woke up or returned, and therefore missed his chance at seeing revenge as the young girl broke down crying at the sight of the empty closet.

"My expert handcrafting besmirched. _besmirched!_ "

* * *

Vlad Masters was wearing that very suit the next time Danny stormed into his mansion, angrily yelling and screaming about whatever evil machinations had just come to light.

It wasn't that Vlad wasn't the mastermind behind whatever evil scheme Danny was dealing with (he definitely was), it's simply that he had set up so many long-term plans to kill Jack and trap Danny into becoming his son that the man simply couldn't tell which one was coming to early fruition from the general raging Danny was doing about his living room.

"-and while I was busy fighting off Skulker those vultures came out of nowhere and started pecking at my Dad! ..." Ahh, so it was that one. Vlad leaned back in his comfortable chair as he recalculated his future plans. That one was a longshot anyway.

"And the entire lab was covered in ectoplasmic goo for a week! Including Mom's jumpsuit!" Vlad jumped to attention at the statement, causing Danny (who was currently flying about as Phantom as he was too on-guard to transform and too frustrated to form his legs and pace like a normal person -add evil pacing to the list of etiquette lessons the boy needed) to scowl. "And you weren't even listening until you heard something that made you think more perverted thoughts about my mom!"

"I know you well enough to know what you're talking about, Little Badger." Vlad waved his hand through the air before impersonating the teen, "Blah blah blah schoolwork is hard because I play videogames rather than study but I'm going to blame it on ghosts! I'm idiotically loyal to my stupid arrogant father rather than _just saying yes to the man who can offer me everything in the world yet instead I continue to call him a Fruit Loop and bother him at his house in the middle of the night taking advantage of the fact that he cares about me too much to kick me out and sleep like a normal person and on top of that I insistently mail him booklets about adopting cats that is NOT! FUNNY!"_

Vlad coughed politely and looked up from his ranting to see said teenage boy hovering in front of him with his mouth wide open.

"Oh close your mouth Daniel you'll catch flies in it."

There was a tense minute of silence as Danny hovered in the exact same position, the only movement being the closing of his mouth and the flipping of pages as Vlad read up on the Packers in Sports Illustrated.

"Umm... Vlad?"

"Yes, my boy?"

"Your suit has a stain on it."

"I KNOW THE SUIT HAS A BLOODY STAIN ON IT! THAT BLASTED IDIOT ALREADY LEFT A LETTER INFORMING ME THAT THE SUIT HAS A FIDDLESTICKING STAIN ON IT!"

Danny's mouth shut again as Vlad eventually calmed down and went back to the magazine.

Finishing the article Vlad looked up from his reading and sighed upon seeing the boy had yet to leave. Funny, normally he dashed off to be back with his 'real family' as soon as he was done with his latest rant. "Is there something you're waiting for, Daniel? Or are you just trying to bore to becoming a full ghost?"

Danny sighed, and twiddled his thumbs in a way that made Vlad think of his comforting 'evil plotting pose.' "Look, Vlad, have you ever considered the possibility of being... _nice_ to my family and I? Like, I guess I wouldn't mind hanging around here from time to time if you weren't always being such a fruit loop."

Vlad narrowed his eyes at the teen in front of him, looking for the trick. "Would you renounce your father?"

"Vlad! No creepy trying to kill my family!"

Vlad steepled his fingers again, "well I apologize then dear boy, but I'm not just about to give up on having one of the three things I want most in the world because you ask nicely." He threw his arms out in another sarcastic gesture, "I am, in fact, a villain as you are so fond of calling it, and I'm not about to give up so Jack can invite me over to rub you and Maddie in my face during a silly little tea party or something!"

The man twiddled his fingers in a mocking showman gesture at the thought of a tea party. He had expected the motion to set off some form of sarcastic response from the boy, but wasn't prepared for it to explode.

No, it literally exploded like a bomb. A glitter bomb to be precise.

Little did Vlad know that while Stan Pines had helped himself to another new (and this time unstained) suit, the one Plasmius had taken in return had been tampered with by the man's untamable niece. Hoping to make something with even more "fineness and pizzazz" to help her Grunkle show off the attractions in the Mystery Shack (and give a distraction as he robbed the tourists blind) the young girl had eagerly 'personalized' the suit to match her Grunkle's personality as Mabel envisioned it.

Meaning lots and lots of glitter. But grumpy attack glitter for a grumpy Grunkle. Glitter that exploded in a very irate Vlad Masters's face.

When Vlad managed to get the burning substance out of his eyes the only thing he could see was his entire immaculate living room _covered_ in bright rainbow glitter. The only thing unscathed was Daniel, who had turned himself intangible by reflex and was currently rolling in midair laughing.

It took Vlad phasing the offending glitter off of him to calm the boy down.

"Oh man, Vlad! You should've seen your face! You looked even more like a Fruit Loop!"

Vlad slammed his fist into the couch, strong enough to send vibrations throughout the entire mansion. "PINES!"

The impact caused the ceiling to shake, dislodging some of the glitter that had been caught by the hanging chandalier and bringing it raining down on the room's occupants. Danny, already in ghost form, simply turned intangible and laughed as the human Vlad was once again covered with the substance.

"Oh, Vlad?"

"What. Is. It. Boy?"

... "You have a stain on your suit."

* * *

 **AN: This was WAY too much fun to write! It also was the fastest story that I've imagined or written in just under 3 hours (Connection is a close second at four... I would try throwing out everything after two days but so many people are angry enough at my terrible updating times XD)**

 **Anyways, I had way too many headcanons that I wanted to try to fit in here. Mainly because I just love imagining Vlad and Stan having this close relationship built entirely upon Stan stealing Vlad's suits (it started as one heist but Stan just finds they're well tailored). I tried alluding to that with the fact that both of them (especially Vlad) are fully aware of each other's name.**

 **The other big idea that didn't make the fic was the idea that this one particular suit is special to Vlad. Mainly I envision it being a stain from a very important affair in Vlad's life (maybe Maddie spilled the cheese on him during the reunion and he's kept it ever since?) but given how disgusting and creepy that'd be I couldn't find a place to put it without ruining the tone.**

 **This also started as two separate ideas that merged together, but I had a bunch of drabble length ideas as well! So enjoy the extra ficlets!**

* * *

Stanford Pines typed the familiar code into the vending machine and descended down into his basement lab. Typing the familiar coordinates into the console, the man watched as the machine powered into life.

"30 years and it all comes down to this. The final test run."

Grabbing his Colombian heist gloves, the conman saw the image of Master's elaborate mansion appear in the portal. "No more getaway drives."

 _AN: This was just filling a plot hole of how Stan managed to make it from Oregon to Wisconsin and back. Because Vlad's a ghost, so that makes sense, but... Other solution is that the two portals in hidden basement labs are linked (maybe some old potentially evil masterminds but really just wanting a family club that meets in secrets lab basements with unique interdimensional portals?), but this just seemed crazier and therefore more fun to write. Also purposefully parallels the "no more Colombian nights" lines XD_

* * *

"Sometimes a man has to steal an animatronic badger, to stay in this crazy game called life."

"That's... that's really creepy." Danny Fenton glared up at the strange man from where he was stuck in Vlad's technological cube. He hadn't been expecting for things to go this weird while at his parent's college reunion, but he might have found the one man here who could top the Fruit Loop in general loopiness.

"Umm... so are you planning on kidnapping me, rescuing me, or just standing there? And yes, there is a right answer to that."

 _AN: Little Badger. 'Nuff said._

* * *

"Stan Pines this is the final straw!"

Vlad Masters stormed into the small gift shop attached to the Mystery Shack, not even caring that tourists started snapping numerous pictures of him with their oversized cameras. A quick glare in their general direction scared them out, and a subconscious burst of ectoplasmic energy would fry whatever memory cards or undeveloped film was recording evidence that multi-billionaire Vladimir Masters would dare grace such a trashy establishment.

The young girl seated behind the cash register didn't even look up from her magazine when Vlad shot her the 'scary eyes'. Huffing slightly, yet figuring the girl and her lack of a camera phone posed no threat, Vlad stalked forward to his target.

"Stan Pines I have let you get away with taking my suits one too many times! I woke up this morning to find my entire wardrobe empty and I demand that you return my clothing immedia-"

The man in front of him looked exactly like Stan Pines, identical down to his ratty fex and _his_ nice suit, yet the facial expressions were completely different. This Stan Pines looked just as worn, but in a different way, as if his challenges had been more than just bratty tourists and the wrong side of the law.

"I'm sorry, you must be here to see my brother Stanley. My name's Stanford."

Vlad paused. "I'm looking for Stanford." Pines had been weird, but never _this_ weird.

The man facepalmed. "Right, sorry, you're looking for _Stanford_. Sorry, he's not here right now."

"Why have I never seen you before?"

"Umm... because I've never broken into your house and allegedly stolen all of your clothing...?" Stan's eyes shifted as he found himself automatically inserting the legalese... he'd only been back a week and his brother's bad habits were already wearing off on him.

"I would think I'd know if Stanford Pines had an identical twin brother also named Stanford Pines." Vlad's eyes narrowed. He knew far too much about cloning to let this slide.

Ford shrugged. "I've been trapped on the other side of an interdimensional portal for 30 years after a falling out with my brother." Seeing said brother behind the curtain out of the corner of his eye, not noticing just _who_ his twin was talking to and gesturing that it's time to pull a big stunt to get the tourists back. Ford rolled his eyes and shifted back into the sales pitch. "It's just the kind of mysteries and befuddlement that happens everyday at a completely legitimate and mysterious Mystery Shack like this one! Do you want to buy one of the few rare bobble-heads I brought back with me from my trip through time?!"

Vlad narrowed his eyes and noticing the shadow of a man behind the curtain, pulled Stanley into another aisle. "So, you say you had a falling out with your brother, did you?" He could already feel his fingers dancing in their 'evil plotting pose'. "Would you renounce him and join me in a quest to claim your rightful place in this... Mystery Shack?"

A new face popped behind the aisle, this time belonging to the young noodley boy Vlad had seen before, carrying a broom and sweeping the floor. "Hey Great Uncle Ford! Who's the creepy guy?"

Vlad felt a vein pop, "I AM NOT A CREEP!"

Turning away as his rival's twin brother spoke with the young child, Vlad quickly noticed the affection of a loving yet wrongfully separated relative. "And a young boy for him to raise as an apprentice living under the care of a oafish guardian... It really is perfect!"

The boy glanced at the strangely dressed man over his grandfather's ( _holy crap the Author his grandfather's **the** Author!_ ) shoulder. "And why is he such a fruit loop?"

"I AM ALSO NOT A FRUIT LOOP!"

 _AN: I hope I did Ford justice. Hard to tell without getting to see his character on the show yet before I wrote this, but I had to come back and edit the names because I realized it would be confusing. Also funny for Vlad looking for Stanford and finding Ford. The end with Dipper was inspired by Astrophantomplanet's ideas based on her original post._

* * *

 _AN: This one is different as it's more a direct omake from the original fic here._

Danny sighed, and twidled his thumbs in a way that made Vlad think of his comforting 'evil plotting pose.' "Look, Vlad, have you ever considered the possibility of being... _nice_ to my family and I? Like, I guess I wouldn't mind hanging around here from time to time if you weren't always being such a fruit loop."

"Would you deny thy father and refuse thy name.  
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my apprentice.  
And I'll no longer be a Masters."

"Vlad! No creepy trying to kill my family!"

"It's not evil, Daniel, it's Shakespeare."

"I'm a teenager... is there a difference?"

 _AN: Romeo and Juliet (2:2:34-36)_


End file.
